As a child, I was acutely aware of pain. I was a troubled child. Around age of four or five I was deeply fearful of death. I used to have nightmares where death was theme. I had spent lots of nights being awake and frightened in bed. I cannot remember all the insecurities, but I wanted to stop all the sufferings caused by emotional pain, I did not know way out. I came across concept of ‘Moksha’ which made sense as an answer to my problem. If I can achieve Moksha, I will stop suffering.
A couple years later, Jain temple and Upashray (where Jain Monks reside and give their sermons). We had monk staying in our colony during Parushan (eight days of Jain religious festival giving Jains to meet their religious obligation) During those eight days Monk reads Kalpsutra, twice a day. Kalpasutra is a Jain text which consist of biography of several Tirthankara. In Jainism Tirthankara are the guide for the Jain community. On practical purpose Tirthankara are treated as the God. I was also studying in a Jain school, so we were off school for eight days during Parushan. So, I used to hang around temple/upashray. Listening to various sermons. Having contact with different monks, understanding their life style. One of the Monk, Subodhsagarji gave me the Manta to worship the goddess of knowledge and gave me whole structure of Upasana(Worship). I felt special. I felt relationship with the goddess. Increased activities around temple/Upashray gave me recognition and special responsibilities. These increased in rituals and recognition amongst Jain community reduced my anxiety.
When I was sixteen, I started attending my Guru’s sermon every Monday evening. He had started helping to understand Jain Text ‘Tatvarth sutra. He took two tears to explain first Shlock(stanza). He initiated my internal journey.
When I was sixteen/seventeen, I was troubled with other people. In one of my private discussion with my Guru Kiranbhai, I expressed my desire to learn other people’s motivation. At one stage in our discussion, he told me “Know yourself and you will understand the universe.” Although I did not fully understand meaning and importance of it but it was printed firmly on my mind.
Know yourself and you will understand the Universe
We tend to evaluate other people’s thinking, feelings, behaviour and attitude from our own perception, thinking, feeling and attitudes which may be subjective. As a result, our evaluation may be prejudicial, A far from the truth, contains our projections.
Unless we become objective about our internal mental process, our thinking, feelings, attitude etc. we will not be able to see the truth about others. To become objective about oneself is get to know oneself. A very arduous process.
When I finished my undergraduate medical studies, my family wanted me to take up cardiology or orthopaedics. My own inclination was towards psychiatry. Pressure on me was great to avoid psychiatry. My Guru Kiranbhai came to rescue. He explained to my family that the Mind is the King of the body. Anything I can do to learn about Mind, that will be best use of my time. He actively encouraged me to my post-graduation in psychiatry.
As a postgraduate I realised that you hardly learn about the Mind in Psychiatry. Psychiatry concerns itself with illnesses of the Mind or behaviour. Psychotic illness is thought to be caused by biochemical changes in the brain. Main reliance is on medication to find any improvement in the condition. Neurotic illnesses or personality disorders are mainly treated with pragmatic behavioural modification. There are some psychological theories about development of mind, by various psychologist like Freud, Jung, Adler, Horney, Sullivan etc. They do not carry much credence in main body of Psychiatry but used by small group of therapists.
Some of my experiences in India, made me interested in Freudian theories and I decided to train in psychoanalysis. For that purpose, I decided to come to UK. Once I came to UK, I got my first job in Bexley Hospital as a resident houseman, junior doctor. I also started working under Dr Ted Hurst, a Jungian analyst. I also started exploring how can I get into training of analyst. I had a reference a consultant in Tavistock clinic. This consultant was retired to Scotland. So, I saw another consultant. He was not very encouraging. He asked me why did I want to go through masochistic exercise. I felt he could not understand my passion and enthusiasm. I had travelled thousands of miles to unknown country. He suggested I start with trainee analyst. I became depressed after that meeting. A few weeks later I went to analysts meeting, they were receiving a talk from an eminent family therapist. I found talk very interesting and informative. But the discussion followed was disappointing and disheartening. The way some of the members of audience attacked speaker aggressively, was unbelievable. I wondered if you do not change after analysis, what is the point? I wondered my journey to UK was fruitless? Should I go back to India? I needed to work for in UK for year and half to pay off my father for aeroplane ticket he paid. Prospectus looked very bleak.
In desperation, I wrote a letter to my Guru Kiranbhai explaining my mental struggle and disappointment. I received an answered in fortnight. He sent me recorded massage on a cassette tape. One side of tape he explains, in Jain text starts with first sentence Namo Arihantanam. Namo means I bow down to, Arihantanam means one who has killed all his enemies. Enemies means all internal enemies anger, hatred, envy, grid etc. etc… He further explained in ardhmagadhi (language used in Jain text, that was the local language at that time), Namo Arihantanam, Arihantanam Namo or Ari Namo Hantanam are all grammatically correct. Why Jain sutra starts with Namo? I bow down to is the humility we need as our first attitude. He said if I want to learn about Freud or Jung, I should take their books, I should bow to them and pray what is in you come in me.
I found this was very useful advice. When we read something, or listen to someone, we tend to interpret what they are saying. This interpretation could be miles away from what they are saying. To understand book or a person, what they are really saying, we need to enter them. For that humility is most important attitude. For me patients were never patients, but they were Guru, who were helping me to understand consequences of their life experiences.
Second side of tape talked about Patrata. Patra means vessel or pot. Deeper the pot more it contains. Types of pot may have different capacity. Patrata means yours containing ability and your deservedness. In Guajarati, there is a saying that you cannot carry lioness’s milk in ordinary pot. He was saying that you will only receive, depends on your Patrata. I became preoccupied in improving and extending my Patrata.
I had learn two important concepts. 1. Humility towards teacher and subject. 2. Yours Patrata. Yours deservedness.
